So, you want to cheat and come straight to the tips section? Can’t blame you for that, in fact, it’s rather wise of you. Let us be the cheat sheet for your addiction woes – at least, a helping hand that helps you to get your hand into your wallet and onto the winner’s table via some crafty mouse-clicking and decision making. Our collective pokie wisdom beckons that you:
- 1.Don’t play on Aussie pokie machines (or NZ machines too for that matter). They suck. Seriously. With one of the lowest payouts in the world (around 89% – 91%) you’d be better off taking that hard earned cash of yours and betting on a Pauline Hanson win next election. You have 4 times more chance of winning in Las Vegas – the veritable mecca of Gaming where you would expect more swindlers than a yearly pilgrimage – than in Oz, with a payout rate of 97. 5%.
Sure, we hear you saying how much more you enjoy your social life rather than sitting around on your phone; how much you like to yell at machines publicly or ogle the nearest pokies granny, but think it through: a fancy club or casino typically charges you for the luxury of sitting on their chairs, using their toilets, looking at their wallpaper and thumping their machines. You also have a chair, (possibly) wallpaper, a toilet and a phone. If you have mates, then party on brother! Whip out your phones, drag out the barbie, crack open some brews, and swear heroically at your phone every time you lose – or let the neighbours know of your at-home winnings with several triumphant roars throughout the night- Hoorah!
- 2.Take advantage of online bonus offers! The online casino market is brimming with competition. Crazy competition. So crazy that it forces even lil’ old us to whack a tidy 200% up on your deposit (see here for details). When was the last time you saw a casino or club offer a 200% markup on your deposit? Exactly never is when. So stop wasting your time driving or cabbing to and from your local gaming haunt and come online where your chances of striking gold are much, much higher.
- 3.Look for the huge progressive jackpot payouts! They call them progressive for a reason: the jackpots get progressively higher the longer it remains un-won. As more and more people around the world on computers and phones just like yours contribute to the jackpot, pretty soon it becomes a filthy mountain of wealth waiting for a lucky Scrooge McDuck to dive right into.
Quite often, the jackpots can get so high that the odds start to tip in your favour. Think your local club-linked jackpot machines, but instead of the meager contributions of the local lawn-bowling team, you are linked to thousands of complete strangers’ devices from all over the world who want it and add to it just like you.
- 4.Double up with the gamble feature. You know it, they know it, even the Pope knows it: there is always a mathematical disadvantage to you in gambling. The universe made it a law: Thou shalt always loseth, but sometimes winneth. That is the story of life (and the fact that businesses have overheads), and it is the rule enshrined on every casino wall and in every online gaming terms and conditions page which you never bothered to read.
That being the case, with the little known gamble feature, you can tweak the laws of mathematics slightly towards your failing but improving condition to double-up on your bounty. You do this by either hitting the red or black, tossing up a coin or by some other method you might find depending on the game you are playing. Now you are truly on a 50/50 wager with the universe to double your takings; your ying to its yang (or something like that).
- 5.Keep it fun, or KIF for short. Next time you see somebody down on their luck playing pokies, put a gentle hand on his shoulder and whisper into his ear: «KIF mate. KIF.» If he punches you in the temple and you find yourself in hospital for the next day take, solace in the fact that you are reading this now and mastering your online gaming tactics and that you helped a soul in selfless service.
Pick up your phone, forget about your bruised head, and remember that it’s all just entertainment. You win some, you lose some. Ying Yang mate. Have a laugh, have some fun, win some bucks or lose a few but try not to go over the top so you end up not being able to pay for your hospital bill if you really do tell someone to KIF.